Everyone Keeps on Dying

August 14th, 2014

Dear Jeremiah,

9:05am: Dark, dark times.  We had a wheel break on the top of Lemmon Mountain in Tucson, Arizona. We are stranded...no one has come to rescue us...as you can see I have written this letter on a piece of leaf and have sent it via hawk, hoping by some miracle it will get to you. I will send a new leaf your way every hour to keep yee updated on our status.

10:30am: We have run out of bullets for hunting.

10:55am: Very poor health.  All our oxen have died. Tis kinda cold. To keep warm, we huddle together in our only remaining potato sack.

11:02pm: Morale very very low. I try to keep things light by hitting rocks together for music. 

12:02pm: While on a search for clean water, Mr. Seth tripped o'er the mountain and plunged to his death.

12:40pm: Miss Heather gave birth to a baby boy. I wish Mr. Seth could have seen him! They look remarkably alike! Like uncle like nephew!! That's the saying, right??!

1:50pm: Miss Heather has contracted typhoid and died.

2pm: Ms. Deenah is using her wheely leg (If you'll recall Miss Heather amputated her real leg because of dysentery) to wheel me and the baby the rest of the way through Tucson.

3:14pm: A hunter mistook Ms. Deenah  for a bison and shot her in the head.

3:15pm:  Haven't eaten in so long...bison meat...

3:16pm: I have eaten Ms. Deenah.

6pm: I carry the baby on foot the rest of the way through 10 west, towards yee ol' Los Angeles, my final destination. I have named it Seather, in honor of it's mother and uncle. Do I see signs in the distance, or does my brain trickith me? Ah my scurvy!!! I try to make them out:  In and Out Burger, 101 North, Graumans Chinese Theatre...just a few...more...miles...

Oh Jeremiah! Will Seather and I make it???!!!

Stuff to do in the car:

Right before Tucson, our car hit 100,000 miles!

Here's a video of us screaming about it!

First morning in Tucson, Arizona!

 

Breakfast made by the incredible Sethy and Marissa! (Pictured on the right)

Note: I am calling Seth Sethy so as not to confuse him with Mr. Seth, pictures on the left. Yes, there are two Seths in this picture.

Sethy and Marissa have three incredible dogs. From left to right: Bruce, Juno, Pipa.

 We all fell instantly in love. 

Late that day we drove up Lemmon mountain and hiked!! It was ridiculously beautiful.

Deenah and the Mountain

Sethy in the tree

Darcy on the Wall

 Mr. Seth and Deenah

Marissa and Sethy

 Then we had lunch/dinner at Boca! We ate incredible tacos and I, Miss Darcy, decided in the moment that tacos are my new favorite food.

Then we took Tequila shots.

Then we went Karaoking. Above is a moment of Miss Heather singing some Heart. Below is a moment of Mr. Seth singing Kiss by Prince. They were both quite entertaining.

The next morning we said our goodbyes to Sethy and Marissa and the dogs, and continued on our way towards LA!

AND THEN WE MADE IT TO LOS ANGELES!!!!

AND THEN WE IMMEDIATELY ATE SUSHI WITH BRI!!!

SO MUCH SUSHI!!!

IT'S 80 DEGREES IN LOS ANGELES!!

Dear Jeremiah,

Well I made it. I have already found yee old day care center for Seather. I plan to leave him there A LOT while I focus on myself. I have optioned these letters I wrote to you over the last week into a feature film. Don't wanna jinx it but Daniel Day is interested in ALL THE PARTS. Anyway. I have to go now, I am about to drink my daily thimble of kombucha and probably go for a hike.

Love, Miss Darcy

Ps: here are other things we did in the car to pass the time:

Top five people you want to have coffee with

To either pick their brains or you just think they’d be a fun time

Seth Kirschner's Picks:

  Mark Twain

  Jim Henson

  George Washington

   Da Vinci

   Bill Murray

Back ups:

Nostradamus 

 Mr. Rogers 

Heather Robb's Picks:

Dixie Robb (my grandma) at 30

 Homer

 Woody Guthrie

 Pocahontas

 Stephen Tobolowsky

Back ups:

  Bonnie Raitt

  J.K. Rowling

Darcy Fowler's Picks:

Alison Janney

  Nora Ephron

  Steve Martin

  Joan Cusack

  Tina Fey

Back ups:

   Stephen Spielberg

  Stephen Tobolowsky

Deenah Shutzer's Picks:

 William Shakespeare

   Tom Waits

  Virginia Woolf

  Marie Curie

   Tina Fey

Back ups:

 Edward Gorey

  Che Guevara

Top ten people who would be the most awkward to have coffee with:

(for various reasons)

   Hitler

    Soon-Yi Previn (woody allen’s daughter wife)

The reunited cast of Real World (1^st Season)

Henry the VIII and all of his wives

Carrot Top

Charles Manson and Friends

Tonya Harding

Tom Cruise

Mel Gibson

Phil Spector

Even More Stuff to do in the car:

Read the entire plot of Joy Ride 2 on wikipedia

Pregnancy in Austin! And Possible Prostitution!

 

Dear Jeremiah,

Tis a long day in the wagon, after leaving yee ol’ Austin! T’was a wild ride in the city! I traded my only shoes for a wedge of lemon! T’will cure my scurvy!  I am contemplating selling my hair for squirrel meat and my body for clean water. It will be the first time I laid with a man since my wedding night. Oh to be thirteen again....

Miss Heather is pregnant! (As you might recall she was vomiting a lot and altering her petticoats) All of us are very excited, except her brother Mr. Seth, who has been various sheets of white since the announcement. He's been keeping his distance from Miss Heather. They even stopped playing their daily game of "who can hug each other the fullest" which they explained to me is another game they learned as kids, just like "bottom tag" (see my last letter). I guess Mr. Seth has a right to be quite nervous, what, with being an uncle for the first time...

We ran into Deenah in the marketplace! It turns out Burt Lovejoy aka Leatherface, traded her for a Brisket Taco. We have decided to take her back…her dysentery is gone, and she is using a wheel for her lost leg. So she must be good for something!

We’ve been occupying ourselves in the wagon with many fun games!

Songs of Our First Crushes:

 

These are the songs we associate with the first requited or unrequited loves:

Heather Robb:

Can’t Let Go by Mariah Carey, Summer after 5^th grade 

“I was in love with my camp counselor Brian. IN. LOVE. He had the most beautiful brown eyes they looked like cows eyes. COWS. EYES. He played football with me and liked that I was into football. Didn’t have the nerve to tell him how I felt, as I left camp that summer I cried listening (on my walkman) to the lyric: “even though I try, I can’t let go, something in your eyes captured my soul.”

Seth Kirschner:

Wind Beneath my Wings by Bette Midler: 6^th grade

“She was a quadruplet. It was our song. She made it our song.”

Deenah Shutzer 

Save Tonight by Eagle Eye Cherry 8^th grade 

“He used to put it on his away message on AIM. It was unspoken but it was totally for me.”

Darcy Fowler

Satellite by DMB, 7^th grade

"He was two years older, he loved another, a cool high school girl, I sat with Liz Cashman and Anna Hughes weeping to that song"

Movies That Make Us Weep:

(in no particular order)

1)    Billy Elliot

2)    Terms of Endearment (so manipulative)

3)    Kramer Vs. Kramer

4)    My Girl

5)    Finding Nemo

6)    Tsotsi

7)    Toy Story 3

8)    Turner and Hooch

9)    Lives of Others

10) Great Little Toaster

11) The Pianist

12)  Hachi: A Dogs Tale

13)  The Turning Point

14) Up (The beginning)

15) Thelma And Louise

16) Beauty and the Beast

17)  Lion King

18)  The Contender

19) Swing Kids

20) Simon Birch

21) Homeward Bound

22) Braveheart

23)  West Side Story

24)  Ordinary People

25) All Dogs Go to Heaven

26)  League of Their Own

27)  Singing in the Rain (from the beauty of it)

28)  An Affair to Remember

29)  Life is Beautiful

30) Muppet Christmas Carol

31)  Hook

32)  When Harry Met Sally

33)  Taps

34) Marley and Me

35)  Mr. Holland’s Opus

36)  Legends of the Fall (Does NOT hold up)

Morning in Austin!! We stayed with the most amazing people ever, our friends Adam and Margaret, a brilliant writer and incredible arts therapist respectively!!

Miss Margaret made dutch pancakes! They were so good it was crazy. Really. I'm thinking about them now and I wish I could eat them all over again. It's like if you took love, put it to the tenth power, made it into a necklace, and gave it to Aphrodite for Valentine's day and then she went on a DATE and CONSUMMATED.

We ate more amazing food my god:

Tacos...so many tacos...

Our car broke down, and a wonderfully nice man named Hache helped us out!

More pictures around town:

Boot shop:

Candy Shop:

Our friend Gabe's Food Truck called Love Balls:

And then we saw Raider's of the Lost Ark Draft House!!

The lovely Adam and Margaret

 

Off to Tucson we go!!!!

Dancing in New Orleans/Sexual tensions all around!!

Dear Jeremiah,

I’m back on the dirt road, in our wagon, after a fruitful stop in yee ol’ New Orleans!! Oh Jeremiah!!! What a time we’ve had! I danced FIVE FEET from a man! ‘tis the closest I’ve come to one since I borrowed hay from Old Mr. Shanklebee’s handsome nephew Josiah.

My head is still spinning from such an over abundance of libations!! Mr. Seth and Miss Heather also had an over abundance of libations! They seem to have a very close brother and sister relationship. They became VERY friendly during yee old pub crawl….touching each other’s bottoms, which they explained to me is just a game called “bottom tag” they played as kids. Haha! Oh, to have a sibling that was still alive!! Alas, all of mine were taken in the great windmill fire of '63.

We received a note from miss Deenah! (As you recall from my last letter, we traded her for leavened bread). She is having a great time working for Burt Lovejoy aka Leatherface. At least that’s what it seems…it was hard to decipher some of the writing underneath the dried blood and tears.  It seems Burt feeds her well, "perhaps too well" she writes…she fears he is trying to fatten her up for something…Miss Deenah has always been a tad overly worried, due to her yiddish upbringing...

Well Jeremiah, I must go. Miss Heather has been vomiting all morning, which is strange because she can’t stop eating. And I notice she’s been altering her petticoats…

Off to Austin we go!!

Fondly,

Miss Darcy

We arrived in New Orleans and were taken out to yee ol' seafood dinner by lovely Miss Elise and Mr. Matthew and little Avery!

They have the most lovely Corgis:

The next morn' for breakfast Miss Elise bought us a King Cake! Everyone gets a slice and whoever finds the "baby," a porcelain object within the cake gets luck for years to come. And Deenah found it!!! Which means the rest of us are royally screwed. Specifically Mr. Seth.

 Then we went out on yee ol' town to cafe du monde and ate beignets!! My goodness Jeremiah! They tasted like heaven wrapped in Jesus's beard!! Click below for a sideways video:

And pictures!!!

Then we visited Mr. Seth's friends big Medora and little Medora (mother and daughter) who live in the heart of the city. They are both the most incredible people, and big Medora is a guru wizard! She read us our cards, and we all came that much closer to yee ol' Nirvana.

Then we galavanted round yee ol' town, eating, drinking, and having the most lovely time. 

Antique store:

At ol' Mimi's bar, philosophizing o'er our lives:

And later we met my dear dear friends Miss Esme and Miss Olivia at Candlelight Lounge where we heard the great Treme Band play the most amazing music.

And we danced! Oh Jeremiah!! How we danced!!!!

Miss Olivia, Deenah, Darcy and Heather

Miss Heather and Mr. Seth! Look at those siblings! Loving each other so! In their sibling way!

North Carolina to Atlanta, Fear of Incestuous Relations Within the Group...

January 7th, 10:45pm 2014

Dear Jeremiah,

Tis the morning and I slept a terrible sleep. I had flashes of my late husband Albert sinking to the bottom of Millie’s Creek as the townspeople looked on. At least now everyone knows he’s not a witch.  Single again, Jeremiah. It’s the WORST.

We traded Deenah for a loaf of leavened bread, since she was now basically useless. (If you will recall from my last letter, Miss Heather amputated it because of the dysentery). We waved goodbye as she rode off in her cage, towards the northwest. I miss her, but the feeling subsided as soon as I drank my daily thimble of milk. Besides, I think Burt Lovejoy aka "Leatherface" will treat her well.

Miss Heather and Mr Seth brought back bison from their daily hunt. And I notice they seem to steal glances when they think I’m not looking. I’m sure it’s nothing…they ARE brother and sister…

Last night we were in North Carolina drinking of strong ale with Miss Heather's good pals. They own a pub!!! She travels through there often with her traveling music circus. Here's a picture:

When we arrived in Atlanta, we visited a friend from our studies, Miss Kathleen. She and her husband John just had a baby! 

Miss Heather and Miss Kathleen with little Peter

Today we depart Atlanta, making our way through Alabama to New Orleans. Wish us luck Jeremiah, and sorry to hear about your consumption.

Sincerely, 

Miss Darcy

Train the Band Presents: A United States Of America Joint: Ford the River or Caulk the Wagon? A Dystopian Tale of Choosing Love in the Face of War

January 6th, 2014 9:30am

 Dear Jeremiah,

 Tis our first day of yee ol' road trip and all of our oxen are healthy. We set our pace to grueling and our food rations low. We stopped at the hardware store to get snake meat. I'm afraid Deenah might have dysentery...she has yee early signs of rectal pain and fever. If she dies I'll be left with Mr. Seth and Miss Heather, which will be intolerable. If that is the case, may the dysentery take my life as well.

A couple of years back, Seth and I wrote our own Train lyrics, in honor of their pointlessness:

*note: "Train" is a band that wrote the hit singles Drops of Jupiter and Hey Soul Sister.

SAY YAY

Your mason jar of butterflies
Dance through my eyes like rockabies
Don't hear her voice while her lips are tied
Wanna somersalt with your nephew in the skies above.

Flowin through the plate tectonics. You move me with your sweet robotics.
Making all your gin and tonics
You shave my heart with your cutting words of love
Hey! Sayin stuff say yay!

I wanna flow to your flow
Making my love grow grow grow
Sayin it ain't so so so
My brain explodes with words of explosive doves
Hey! Sayin stuff say yay!

She flies! But no not really!
She cries on pads of Lilly!
Watch those tears roll down into my thorny crown...again.

That coffee filter makes my ears bleed
As it breaks and shoots through lightspeed.
That atmosphere can take the lead
I found nemo between the legs of Dakota fanning swimming with Obama as he's eating beefaroni over time with my elbows saying "hey what's up". With you. Tonight!
Hey! Sayin stuff say yay!
Repeat

Day one:
Breakfast at Heather's House in Delaware:

January 6^th 2014 1:30pm

Dear Jeremiah,

We stopped for provisions at Miss Lindsay’s lovely house in Virginia, right outside of DC. She is a doctor! With a house! A husband! And a tiny child! And she is the loveliest of women!! Ah Jeremiah! I’ve been looking at myself in the reflection of my lead spoon, contemplating…what is my future? I am still working on my manuscript. I used up my scroll by Maryland and have been ripping off tree bark during urination stops since. For ink, I use bowls of mud and oxen feces (at least I think that’s what they are, Seth doesn’t seem to need rest stops…) For a quill, I use a twig.  My hand still shakes from the small pox so the whole thing is quite difficult. Anyway, Heather amputated Deenah’s left leg and tied her to the back of the wagon. Her screams are painful to hear as she drags along, but her weight helps balance out the front broken axel…what other choice do we have??!! Sigh. Maybe someday we’ll figure this “life” thing out. 

At Miss Lindsay's

She made such delicious provisions!! Very fibrous!!

You must try yee old recipe, here tis:

Best Kale Salad Ever

We also watched her young child, Alden, try to sit! Oh the young!! Click below:

Janary 6th , 2014 3:30pm Virginia

Stuff we are doing in the car. 

GOALS 

We’ve put together (so far) a list of our goals for our trip:

Darcy

1)    Make a blog

2)    At a rest stop act out the entirety of Hotel California

Deenah:

1)    Peel a Clementine with one hand

2)    Eat a donut

3)    Line dance at a honky tonk bar

Seth

1)    Photo document the trip

2)    Purchase vinyl or an awesome shirt

3)    Eat the best Tacos of Austin

4)    Become a Man

Heather:

1)    No goals and no prospects

All of us:

1)    Film a movie which ends in a horrific death of one of us in each state.

5:35pm. North Carolina. 

More stuff we've been doing in the car

Villains in movies/tv/books we wanna PUNCH in the FACE. (in no particular order)

1)    Everyone except for Rosemary in Rosemary’s Baby

2)    George Hearst (Deadwood)

3)    Jane Eyre’s mom

4)    Shooter Mcgavin  (Happy Gilmore)

5)    Aaron Eckhart in The Company of Men

6)    Mrs. Bingsley (Pride and Prejudice)

7)    Fairuza Balk in the Craft

8)    Smoking Man in X-Files (PETER WE MISS YOU!!!)

9)    Robert Mitchum/Deniro in Cape Fear

10) Judge Doon (Who Framed Roger Rabbit)

11)  A character in A Tale of Two Cities that I can’t yet say because we’re listening to it on tape RIGHT NOW and they don't know what's coming but I do I DO!!

12) Scar (Lion King)

13) Nurse Ratchet (One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest)

14) Macaulay Culkin in the Good Son

15) John Lithgow in Season 4 Dexter

16) Umbridge and Belatrix (Harry Potter)

17) Cruella Deville 

18) William Atherton playing two different villains: Dickless in Ghostbusters, Asshole in Real Genius

19) Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction

20) Abigail (the Crucible)

21) Emperor Palpatine (Star Wars)

22) Cathy Ames (East of Eden)