Monday, January 6, 2014

Train the Band Presents: A United States Of America Joint: Ford the River or Caulk the Wagon? A Dystopian Tale of Choosing Love in the Face of War

January 6th, 2014 9:30am

 Dear Jeremiah,

 Tis our first day of yee ol' road trip and all of our oxen are healthy. We set our pace to grueling and our food rations low. We stopped at the hardware store to get snake meat. I'm afraid Deenah might have dysentery...she has yee early signs of rectal pain and fever. If she dies I'll be left with Mr. Seth and Miss Heather, which will be intolerable. If that is the case, may the dysentery take my life as well.

A couple of years back, Seth and I wrote our own Train lyrics, in honor of their pointlessness:

*note: "Train" is a band that wrote the hit singles Drops of Jupiter and Hey Soul Sister.

Your mason jar of butterflies
Dance through my eyes like rockabies
Don't hear her voice while her lips are tied
Wanna somersalt with your nephew in the skies above.
Flowin through the plate tectonics. You move me with your sweet robotics.
Making all your gin and tonics
You shave my heart with your cutting words of love
Hey! Sayin stuff say yay!
I wanna flow to your flow
Making my love grow grow grow
Sayin it ain't so so so
My brain explodes with words of explosive doves
Hey! Sayin stuff say yay!
She flies! But no not really!
She cries on pads of Lilly!
Watch those tears roll down into my thorny crown...again.
That coffee filter makes my ears bleed
As it breaks and shoots through lightspeed.
That atmosphere can take the lead
I found nemo between the legs of Dakota fanning swimming with Obama as he's eating beefaroni over time with my elbows saying "hey what's up". With you. Tonight!
Hey! Sayin stuff say yay!

Day one:
Breakfast at Heather's House in Delaware:

January 6th 2014 1:30pm

Dear Jeremiah,

We stopped for provisions at Miss Lindsay’s lovely house in Virginia, right outside of DC. She is a doctor! With a house! A husband! And a tiny child! And she is the loveliest of women!! Ah Jeremiah! I’ve been looking at myself in the reflection of my lead spoon, contemplating…what is my future? I am still working on my manuscript. I used up my scroll by Maryland and have been ripping off tree bark during urination stops since. For ink, I use bowls of mud and oxen feces (at least I think that’s what they are, Seth doesn’t seem to need rest stops…) For a quill, I use a twig.  My hand still shakes from the small pox so the whole thing is quite difficult. Anyway, Heather amputated Deenah’s left leg and tied her to the back of the wagon. Her screams are painful to hear as she drags along, but her weight helps balance out the front broken axel…what other choice do we have??!! Sigh. Maybe someday we’ll figure this “life” thing out. 

At Miss Lindsay's

She made such delicious provisions!! Very fibrous!!
You must try yee old recipe, here tis:

We also watched her young child, Alden, try to sit! Oh the young!! Click below:

Janary 6th , 2014 3:30pm Virginia

Stuff we are doing in the car. 


We’ve put together (so far) a list of our goals for our trip:

1)    Make a blog
2)    At a rest stop act out the entirety of Hotel California

1)    Peel a Clementine with one hand
2)    Eat a donut
3)    Line dance at a honky tonk bar

1)    Photo document the trip
2)    Purchase vinyl or an awesome shirt
3)    Eat the best Tacos of Austin
4)    Become a Man

1)    No goals and no prospects

All of us:

1)    Film a movie which ends in a horrific death of one of us in each state.

5:35pm. North Carolina. 

More stuff we've been doing in the car

Villains in movies/tv/books we wanna PUNCH in the FACE. (in no particular order)

1)    Everyone except for Rosemary in Rosemary’s Baby
2)    George Hearst (Deadwood)
3)    Jane Eyre’s mom
4)    Shooter Mcgavin  (Happy Gilmore)
5)    Aaron Eckhart in The Company of Men
6)    Mrs. Bingsley (Pride and Prejudice)
7)    Fairuza Balk in the Craft
8)    Smoking Man in X-Files (PETER WE MISS YOU!!!)
9)    Robert Mitchum/Deniro in Cape Fear
10) Judge Doon (Who Framed Roger Rabbit)
11)  A character in A Tale of Two Cities that I can’t yet say because we’re listening to it on tape RIGHT NOW and they don't know what's coming but I do I DO!!
12) Scar (Lion King)
13) Nurse Ratchet (One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest)
14) Macaulay Culkin in the Good Son
15) John Lithgow in Season 4 Dexter
16) Umbridge and Belatrix (Harry Potter)
17) Cruella Deville 
18) William Atherton playing two different villains: Dickless in Ghostbusters, Asshole in Real Genius
19) Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction
20) Abigail (the Crucible)
21) Emperor Palpatine (Star Wars)
22) Cathy Ames (East of Eden)


  1. Marlee asks, "Was Seth playing with my blocks?"...

  2. If this keeps going like my favorite computer game ever, The Oregon Trail, then you got this midwestern girl hooked!

  3. You forgot Atherton in Die Hard. It's his douchebag hat trick.

  4. This reads like fridge magnetic poetry by Train!